


we’re bound to be afraid

by happy_synthesizer



Category: Our Life: Beginnings & Always (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied death of an OC, Kissing, Post Step 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29526477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happy_synthesizer/pseuds/happy_synthesizer
Summary: She isn’t ready for him to wake up, not yet. Once he does, their last night together will be over and their first day apart will begin. And that scares her more than actually leaving does.
Relationships: Cove Holden/Main Character | Jamie Last (Our Life)
Kudos: 17





	we’re bound to be afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Run by Snow Patrol, which is also the song Clover sings to Cove.

Clover wakes up an hour before her alarm is set to go off, long before the sun has even begun to rise over the hills behind her house. Her room is cold and dark and, when she looks around, she’s startled by the bareness of it. All of her clothes, pictures, projects, and decorations have been packed up and loaded into her pickup, ready to be taken to her apartment. The only remaining signs of her existence here are the sundress hanging on her bedroom door and the sheets and blankets she’s curled up under now. In a couple of hours, those too will be gone, and it will be as if she were never here at all.

The thought sends a spike of panic through her so strong that it makes her fingertips twitch. It reminds her of the early days, when she had nothing to her name but a butterfly hairpin and a trash bag full of clothes. It’s the trash bag that she remembers best, even though the hairpin resides safely in her jewelry box to this day. She remembers when Kate (never “Mom,” only “Kate”) handed it to her there in their shitty little apartment and helped her stuff as many of her clothes as they could get into it. She remembers Kate writing her name on the bag with a gold paint pen, then handing her and her trash bag to the social worker, who took them to Harlow House, where they stayed until her father signed his rights away and she could be placed in her first foster home.

She doesn’t remember her first foster parents, really, but she remembers their son, a wiry brunet who made fun of her and her trash bag. She remembers balling up her fists and gritting her teeth, then punching herself in the face as hard as she could and screaming until his parents came running. It was a trick she’d learned from Kate, who’d gotten one of her boyfriends arrested by hitting herself on the back with a baseball bat. They reported the incident to her social worker, and before the end of the day she and her trash bag were in a new home.

Miss Alice was an older lady with a million freckles and bracelets that jingled whenever she talked, which was often. She had two cats, Oscar and Boots, and drove a red, VW camper van that she lovingly called The Bastard. She taught theater at the local high school, and brought Clover to all of their try-outs, rehearsals, and shows, even if it meant they’d be up passed her bedtime. Clover lived with them until a few weeks after her sixth birthday, when Miss Alice had a heart attack in the backyard while she was gardening. Oscar and Boots went to one of Miss Alice’s students, and Clover and her trash bag when to Sunset Bird.

Clover couldn’t stand Pam and Noelani, at first. She was suffocated by their questions and their rules. Was she hungry? Thirsty? No, she couldn’t have that, it wasn’t healthy. Did she like her bed? Her room? Did she like the blue walls, or would she rather paint them a different color? What show did she want to watch? No, she couldn’t watch that, it wasn’t appropriate. Did she want to town or to the beach? No, she couldn’t go by herself, she was too young. On and on it went until she was so angry she felt like she was going to burst.

She didn’t unpack any of her things, just changed in and out of the clothes in her trash bag. Noelani tried to coax her into keeping at least a few outfits out so that they wouldn’t be wrinkled, but she wouldn’t budge. This place was just another stop, so why should she make more work for herself later?

And then came Lizzie. She had spent Clover’s first week in Sunset Bird at her aunt and uncle’s in an attempt to make the adjustment a little easier for them both, but their time was up. Clover will never forget the moment Lizzie came crashing into the house like a runaway train, demanding to know where her little sister was. She took one look at Clover and screamed, then pulled her into a hug so tight that it stole the breath from her lungs. Before Clover could even try to push her away, Lizzie was whisking her up the stairs to her room to play.

Even now, Clover can’t explain exactly what it was about Lizzie that drew her in; whether it was her unyielding will, her magnetic charm, or the way that she reminded Clover of another older girl that she’d once loved. All she knows is that once she had Lizzie, she couldn’t dream of letting her go. And the morning after Lizzie came home, Clover unpacked her clothes and threw her trash bag away.

It’s been almost twelve years to the day since Clover decided to make her home here, and now she’s leaving. It isn’t the same, of course. She isn’t being taken across the country to live with a new family, this time around. She’s just moving into an apartment a few hours away while she goes to trade school. The program is only two years long, after that she’ll be right back in Sunset Bird. Even so, she can’t shake the fear from her bones. Leaving Sunset Bird means leaving her one true ally in this world.

She bites back a whimper, then rolls over to face him. Cove is still fast asleep, his face buried in her pillow. She brings her left hand to her mouth and warms her cold fingers with her breath, then reaches out and rests it against his back, watching as it rises and falls with his breath. He’s cold to the touch, so she pulls the blankets up from where they’ve been pushed to his waist. He groans quietly and she freezes, not even daring to breathe until he’s settled again, this time on his side, facing the wall. She scoots up behind him and slips her arm under his so that it’s wrapped around his chest, then presses her forehead to the base of his neck.

She isn’t ready for him to wake up, not yet. Once he does, their last night together will be over and their first day apart will begin. And that scares her more than actually leaving does. Because she knows what she’s like. She knows that she isn’t a good person. She knows that she’s selfish, and mean, and a liar, and that there are countless people who are nicer and kinder and better that Cove could be with instead. And she knows that Cove loves her, that he wants her, but she doesn’t know if he needs her, and that scares the shit out of her because she really, really needs him.

Because she knows what she’s like. She knows that she isn’t a good person. She knows that she’s selfish, and mean, and a liar. And, most of all, she knows that she would be so much worse if she hadn’t met Cove. Because she loves Liz with all of her heart, but she would never have changed for Liz. She would’ve been just like Shiloh, lying and conniving her way through life without a shred of remorse, and Liz would have gone along with her, just like she did with Shiloh.

But Cove isn’t Liz.

Cove doesn’t go along with everything she does. He calls her out when she lies and confronts her when she’s in the wrong. He’s not afraid to get mad at her or to tell her when he thinks she’s being cruel. He sees everything that she is – the wonderful and the terrible and everything in-between – and for some reason, he sticks by her anyways.

His unwavering presence is what made her want to change – to be better. She watched Kate run off countless boyfriends by being selfish and mean and a liar; Heath said himself that he would have stayed with Kate if she hadn’t been so immature, and Clover is pretty sure that it’ll kill her if the same thing happens with her and Cove. She won’t be Kate – she can’t be Kate – so she has done everything she can to be different.

She learns how to be honest; learns how to tell him, “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “I’m sorry,” and mean it. She learns how to rely on him and trust that he won’t leave her hanging. She learns how to put him first, even when it’s not convenient. And, most of all, she learns how to trust him enough to say, “I love you.”

Cove changed her life for the better, but she doesn’t know how to be better for anyone but him. She doesn’t know if she even wants to be better for anyone else.

She presses her lips to his spine, hoping to stop their trembling, and whispers, “I love you.” Her breathe hitches in her throat and she squeezes her eyes shut to keep from crying. “You’re the best thing in my life, do you know that? Eighteen years, and you’re the only good thing that I’ve ever…” She tries to laugh, and ends up sobbing instead. “I– God, that sounds like that stupid song we were listening to. The one… the one in the car? The damn– It went like…”

She bites her lip, wracking her brain for the lyrics. “…I’ll sing it one last time for you, and then we really have to go. You’ve been the only thing that’s right in all I’ve done. Light up, light up, as if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice, I’ll be right beside you, dear.” Her voice breaks like a seashell on a concrete floor and she trembles. “I’m so scared, Cove. I’m scared that I’m going to fall apart without you, and I’m scared that you’ll be fine with me, and I don’t know which is worse. I need you so much, and I… I need you to need me too…” She buries her face against his back and sobs, her entire body shaking with the force of them.

* * *

Cove clenches his jaw, fighting with everything he has to stay absolutely still. He wants nothing more than to turn over and hold Clover, but he knows that she’ll freak out if she realizes that he’s awake. It’s hard for her to open up, even to him. She has to do it on her terms, or she’ll shut down altogether. It hasn’t always been that way. There was a time when she could say anything and everything that was on her mind, at least when she was with him. But that was a while ago, now.

He thinks that it has something to do with her father. He still doesn’t know what that asshole said to Clover when she ran away to confront him two years ago, but he knows what it did to her. It was like the world’s worst magic trick; with a snap of a finger, all of her confidence was turned into fear. She wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t even look at him. She just clung to his arm like it was the only thing keeping her from being swept away. He’d never seen her so unsure of herself, so unsure of them, and he never wants to see her like that again.

So he lays as still as he can for what feels like an eternity while she cries and waits for her sobs to turn into sniffles. As soon as it sounds like she’s composed herself enough that she won’t be embarrassed, he rolls over and pulls her against his chest. “Good morning.”

Her breath hitches and she hesitates a second before wrapping her arms around him. “Morning. I think I drooled on your back, sorry.”

He presses a kiss to her temple. “It’s okay. You’re still cute, even when you slobber all over me.”

She squawks, indignant, and sits straight up. “I did not-! It was a little bit of drool, you jerk! You’re the one who usually soaks my pillow!”

He laughs and reaches up, cradling her flushed cheek in his palm. “…You are the most beautiful girl in the world, Clover Montgomery.”

The fire in her eyes dies out in an instant and she looks down at him, surprised. “And you’re the most wonderful man in the world. But what brought that on?”

He laughs again and grabs her around the waist, dragging her over until she’s sitting on his chest. “I just wanted to tell you.” He strokes her hips with his thumbs and feels goosebumps rise on her skin. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” She freezes and he sees a flash of fear in her eyes. He grabs one of her hands and brings it to his mouth, brushing his lips over her knuckles. “Who else is going to make me give them piggyback rides everywhere we go, or defend my honor from nasty little kids with bowl cuts, or chase me all the way across town when I decide to run away?”

She throws her head back and laughs. “You are so ridiculous!”

He grins up at her, warmth flooding his chest. “You love me.”

She shakes her head, pale blue eyes gleaming like the ocean on a sunny day. “I do love you, you ridiculous crybaby.” She leans down and kisses him, one hand on his cheek and the other in his hair. She kisses him again, and again, and again, until they finally have to break apart for air.

He kisses the corner of her mouth and whispers, “If we get up now, we can go to Denny’s for breakfast.”

She groans and runs a hand through her hair. “My moms will kill us if we run off.”

He climbs over her and out of the bed, then holds his hand out to her. “Come on, Clover, one more moment.”

A slow smile spreads across her face and she has to bite her lip to keep from laughing. “I really hate when Mom is right.” She grabs his hand and lets him pull her out of the bed. “Yeah, okay, one more moment.”


End file.
